3 Reasons Why Conflict Can Be Good for Your Relationships

If someone's violating their boundaries, tell them.

“I hate conflict, and I avoid it at all cost.”

Source: GaudiLab/Shutterstock

Countless people have told me this in atherapy session or at one of myassertiveness workshops. But since I grew up in a family where we yelled at each other when we got angry, the idea ofavoiding conflict had been a non-starter in my home. In fact, I remember being slightly confused by the concept when I first learned about it. My family’s dysfunction was of the “letting it all hang out” variety—on the opposite side of the continuum from total conflict avoidance.

Both approaches are problematic, and both take their toll on relationships. Yet most people seem to believe that avoiding conflict is a strategy that—while maybe not the most functional or courageous—will at least not cost their relationship anything.

That's just not true.

Here are 3 reasons how conflict today can help you avoid larger problems later: 

1. Boundary violations.

In order to avoid conflict, you can’t react to boundary violations: Let’s say you and I are friends and roommates. One day, since I have a set of your keys and I really need it, I borrow your car while you’re at work. I let you know about it only after you get home. If your priority is to avoid conflict, you would not tell me that you dislike what I did. However, since you don’t express any displeasure, I assume it’s okay to do the same thing tomorrow, the next day, and so on. Inviting conflict by being honest with me about your feelings would head off the problem before it becomes a bigger deal.

2. Passive aggression.

If you can’t risk conflict by expressing your true feelings and asking for what you need—“Please don’t take my car when I’m not around”—sooner or later you’ll find a sneaky way to get your needs met. You might park your car somewhere where I can’t find it, or make up a lie about taking it to work. Going out of your way to hide your car is less convenient than simply asking me not to drive it while you’re gone. But if you hate conflict, you pay that cost.

3. Relationship trouble.

When I happen to discover your car parked two blocks away, and realize you’re hiding it from me, you’ll lose my trust—just as I already lost yours by borrowing your car without permission in the first place, then failing to read your mind and stop trying to use it when you’re not home. Our relationship will disintegrate under the weight of unacknowledged expectations and hurt feelings.

The very thing we fear about conflict—its potential to damage relationships—is exactlywhat we get from chronic conflict avoidance.

I agree that it’s hard to say to a friend, “I wish you hadn’t borrowed my car without asking,” but if our relationship is based on you letting me do whatever I want with your stuff, what kind of friendship is that? It makes me more like a neighborhood bully and you, my helpless victim. But since I’m not a bully and you’re not a victim, it’s more likely that our relationship is based on mutual respect and affection. If you ask me not to borrow your car, I may not like the inconvenience, but I’ll respect your right to determine what happens to your own property.

And if I make a stink about it instead, then I’m being disrespectful—and you learn something important about me. Holding your ground will communicate to me that you know your rights and your worth in the relationship. I’ll either come around or I’ll leave, perhaps making room for a far better friend in your life.

Source: GaudiLab/Shutterstock

በኢትዮጵያ ፕሪሚየር ሊግ አዳማ ከተማ መሪነቱን አጠናክሯል

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በ8ኛው ሳምንት ከአዲስ አበባ ውጪ በተደረገ ብቸኛ ጨዋታም አዳማ ከተማ በሜዳው ከሲዳማ ቡና ጋር በአዳማ አበበ ቢቂላ ስታዲየም ባደረገው ጨዋታ ነጥብ ተጋርቶ ወጥቷል።

በጨዋታው ሲዳማ ቡና በ7ኛው በኤሪክ ሙራንዳ ባስቆጠራት ጎል ጨዋታውን መምራት ችሎ የነበረ ቢሆንም፥ አዳማ ከተማ ከእረፍት መልስ በ56ኛው ደቂቃ ባገኙት ፍጹም ቅጣት ምት በተስፋዬ ታፈሰ አማካት የአቻነቷን ጎል አስቆጥረዋል።

አዳማ ከተማ እስካሁን ባደረጋቸው የፕሪሚየር ሊግ ጨዋታዎች በሁለት ጨዋታዎች አቻ ከመውጣቱ በቀር ሁሉንም ማሸነፍ ችሏል።

በዚህም አዳማ ከተማ መሪነቱን መልሶ ከቅዱስ ጊዮርጊስ ሊረከብ ችሏል።

ዛሬ በአዲስ አበባ በተደረገ ሌላ የ8ኛው ሳምንት መርሃ ግብር ጭዋታ መከላከያ ድሬዳዋ ከተማን በአዲስ አበባ ስታድየም አስተናግዶ ጭዋታውን መከላከያ ባዬ ገዛኽኝ እና ሙላለም ጥላሁን ባስቆጠሯቸው ችች 2ለ0 አሸንፏል።

ከ1 ወር መቋረጥ በኋላ ዳግም የተጀመረው የኢትዮጵያ ፕሪሚየር ሊግ ትናንት እና ከትናንት በስቲያ የተለያዩ ጭዋታዎችን አስተናግዷል።
 
ትናንት በአዲስ አበባ ስታዲይም ወላይታ ድቻን ያስተናገደው ቅዱስ ጊዮርጊስ በአዳነ ግርማ ሁለት ጎሎች እና በብራያን ኡሞኒ ጎል 3ለ0 በሆ ውጤት ማሸነፉ ይታወሳል።   

አዳነ በ49ኛው ደቂቃ ላይ የተገኘችውን ፍፁም ቅጣት ምት ወደ ግብ ሲቀይር፥ በ66ኛው ደቂቃ ላይም ሌላ አስደናቂ ግብ አክሏል።

ሶስተኛዋን ግብ ብራያን ኡሞኒ አስቆጥሮ ጨዋታው በቅዱስ ጊዮርጊስ 3ለ0 አሸናፊነት የተጠናቀቀው።

ትናንት በተደረገ ሌላ ጨዋታ ኢትዮጵያ ቡና ከዳሽን ቢራ በአበበ ቢቂላ ስታዲየም የተጫወቱ ሲሆን፥ ኢትዮጵያ ቡና  ኤልያስ ማሞ እና ዊሊያም ያቡን ባስቆጠሯቸው ግቦች 2 ለ 0 በሆነ ውጤት ዳሽን ቢራን መርታት ችሏል።

እንዲሁም ደደቢት እና አርባምንጭ ከተማ  1ለ1 በሆነ አቻ ውጤትም ተለያይተዋል።

ሰኞ እለት በተደረጉ ጨዋታዎች ኤሌክትሪክ  ሀዋሳ ከተማን 2ለ1 በሆነ ውጤት ሲያሸንፍ፥ ኢትዮጵያ ንግድ ባንክ ሀዲያ ሆሳዕናን 1ለ0 በሆነ ውጤት መርታት ችሏል።

አዳማ ከተማ ከሲዳማ ቡና ጋር ነጥብ መጋራቱን ተከትሎ በ20 ነጥብ እና 7 ጎል ፕሪሚየር ሊጉን በአንደኝነት እየመራ ይገኛል።

ቅዱስ ጊዮርጊስ ከአዳማ ከተማ በአንድ ነጥብ ዝቅ በማለት በ19 ነጥብ 8 ጎል ሁለተኛ ደረጃ ላይ ተቀምጧል።

ሲዳማ ቡናም በዛሬው ጨዋታ ነጥብ ተጋርቶ መውጣቱን ተከትሎ በ13 ነጥብ ስተኝነቱን ደረጃ ከደደቢት ተረክቧል።

እንዲሁም ደደቢት በ12 ነጥብ እና በ8 ጎል አራተኛ፣ ኢትዮጵያ ቡና በ11 ነጥብ እና በ8 ንጹህ ጎል አምስተኛ ደረጃ ላይ ተቀምጧዋል።

Jawar Mohammed, Kan ajjeefamaniif hidhii xuuxaa kaayyoo isaan wareegameef xiqqeessun hin ta’u

Jawar Mohammed

Kan ajjeefamaniif hidhii xuuxaa kaayyoo isaan wareegameef xiqqeessun hin ta’u

Jechoonni muraasni jara masaanuu keenyaatitti ani darbadhe namoota keenya garii akka muufachiise argaan jira. Mufiin kun waan sadan tokkorraa akka ka’un hubadha. Kan duraa jarri waan hamaa homaatuu hin dubbannee lafumaa kaataniti daangaa itti dabartan jedha. Kan lammataa jarri waanuma dur malee waan haaraya homaa hin jennee kanaafu nurraa deebiin hin barbaachisuudha. Kan dhumaa yeroon kan ittin jaraan waldhabanii miti jedha. Yaadota deddeman kana agarraan tari naatu haasaya jara sanii osoo hin hubatin jerjeraan ejjannoo fudhate jedheen irra deebi’e si’a sadi dhaggeeffadhe. Garuu adaduman irra deebi’ee dhaggeeffadheen dubbiin jarri haasayu waanin an dura hubadhee caalaa jechoota haasaya keessatti darbataman osoo hin taane duula karoorfame kaayoo, tarsiimoofi hoggana qabsoo Oromootirratti baname ta’uun jala mure. Qabxiilee armaan gadii haasaya isanii keessaa fudhataman hubadhaa.
1) Jarri hamtuu hin dubbanne warra jettaniif haasaan jaraa yoo xinnaate qabxiilee afuriin duula Oromorratti baname ta’uu hubachuun feesisaadha.

a) Kaayyoo Oromoo kan bu'uraa faallessuu: "Oromiyaan tan Oromooti jechuun sirrii miti ( Ifreem Maadebo). Jecha kana namni akka waan laafatti laalee waan dabru natti fakkaata. Kaayyolee bu’uraa qabsoo Oromoo keessaa kan duraa mirga abbaa biyyummaa saamamne san deebifannee gonfachuudha. Gara biraatin Oromiyaa deebisanii tan Oromoo gochuudha. Ilmaan Oromoo bahaa-dhihaa Oromiyaan tan Oromooti dhaadannoo jettu jala hiriiranii rasaasa dura dhaabbannaan ajjeefaman. Kanaafi dhaadannoo kana balaaleffachuun wareegamtoota saniif nama boohu fakkeessaa kaayoo isaan irratti wareegaman san xiqqeessuun irra dabree yaalii ololaa bu’ura qabsoo keenyaa irratti fuulleeffateedha. Oromiyaan kan Oromoo yoo ta’uu baatte maaltu Wayyaaneen wal nu dhabsiiseree?
b) Sabboonummaa Oromoo busheessuu: Siyaasaan sabummaa irratti hundoofte hamtuudha, farra dimokraasiiti, baduu qabdi: kun olola qabsoo Oromoo irratti dur irraa kaafamee ofamaa tureedha. Akkasiinuu Oromoon wanni cinninnatee itti cicheef qaba. Ummata gabroomfame dhiisaati kanneen walabaatu dantaa isaa sirna addunyaa keessatti tikfachuudhaaf ideology hawaasa san waloon sochoosu isa barbaachisa. Ideology’n ummata tokko walitti qabuun humna guddaa kennuun beekamu kan sabboonummaa ( nationalism) gahu hin jiru. Kana jechuun Sabbonummaan Oromoo gaaza har’a qabsoo teenya ittin belbelchinu xaa’oo boru Oromiyaa ittin misoomsinuudha. Diinis kana waan beekuuf sabbonummaa Oromoo laaffisuudhaaf, yeroo tokko busheessuun yeroo kaan ofitti hawwatuun tattaafata. Jarri kunis sabbonummaan Oromoo humna guddoo siyaasaa biyyaaf naannawa sanii dhuunfatuuf deemtu ta’uu waan arganiif muddamanii duula isaanii kana bifa haarayan banan. sabboonummaa oromoo busheessaafi abaaraa sabbontota Oromoo mirga saba isaanitif wareegamniifin garaan boc boc na jedheen qoosaa hin fakkaanne.
c) Oromoo Qooduu: Oromoo garaa laaftu fi tan garaa jabaattutti ( moderate vs extremist) yaada jedhuun adda qooduuf yaaluu: Tooftaan akkanaa dullachaafi beekamaadha. Mangistuun “ Hager Wodad vs Wonbade”, “ Mallasaan ammoo “Oromoo dimokraatawaafi dhiphoo” adda baasee tokko ifitti maxxansee kaan haleelaa ture. Kunis osoo isaa taate ‘Oromoo garaa laaftuu faarsaa ofitti qabee warra garaa jabaatutti duuluu barbaada. Oromoo jidduu garaagarummaan yaadaa jiraachun mirkana. Garaagarummaan kun garuu qabsoo abbaa biyyummaa irratti garaagarummaa takkallee akka hin qabne qabsoon baatii sadan dabranii ragaadha. Jarri kun garuu osoo ta’eefi Oromootuma wareegaman sanuu warra moderate fi extremist ta’an adda baasanii kaanii booyanii kaan abaaruu barbaadan. Taphni akkanaa garee kanaaf haarayaa miti. Bara 2009 keessas murnoota ABO bifa kanaan itti dhihaatanii turan. Bu’aan isaa maal akka ture namuu ni yaadata natti fakkaata. ( yeroo sanis hojii isaanii balaaleffadhee barreessuun kiyya ni yaadatama)
d) Qabsoon Oromoo Hoggana hin qabdu jedhu: “ Mootummaan wacaafi miira namaa kakaasun hin kufu” yaada jedhu oofan. Kana jechuun wal’aansoo baatilee sadan dabre Oromoon taasise wacaafi fincila miiraan guutametti hir’isuun injifannoolee argaman gatii dhabsiisuu barbaadan. Qabsoon Oromoo haggana yoo hin qabaanne Baqqalaa Garbaafi Dajanee Xaafaa dabalatee miseensonni KFO 6000 ta’an osoo biyyee tapahatanii qabaman itti fakkaatinaa laata? Mootummaa isaan waggaa kudhan guutuu dhaadatanii baala tokko irraa buusuu dadhaban Oromoon baatii lama keessatti hiddaan sochoosuu kan danda’e tarsiimoo malee jedhanii yaadanitii? Miti. Ni beekan. Garuu olola kana kan oofaniif qabsoon Oromoo akka abbaafi kaayoo hin qabnee fakkeessufi. Kanas kan godhan faranjoota mamii keessa galchanii deeggarsa diplomaasii qabsoon Oromoo argatte duubatte deebisuuf akkasumas ummata Oromoo hogganaaf tarsiimoo malee deemaa jirta jechuun hamilee cabsanii qabsoorraa laffisuufi. Hubadhaa saffisin qabsoon Oromoo waggoota dhihoo keessa itti deemaa jiru alagaa hedduu naasisaa jira. Kanaafu waan danda’aniin sakaaluu barbaadan.

2) Jarri waan akkanaa duris ni haasayu waan haaraya maaltu dhufe warra jedhuuf: Deebiin gabaabaan har’i durii miti. Galanni wareegamtoota Oromootif haa ta’uu siyaasaan Oromoo, Oromiyaafi Itoophiyaan bakka ‘dur’ hin jirtu. Akeeka ilmaan Oromoo itti dhumaa jiran keessaa tokko saba kana tuffii barbabaraa jalaa baasanii kabajaa isaan malu horachiisuudha. Erga obboleeyyaan keenya dhiiga isaaniitin saba ofii boonsanii diina naasisan kana boodas alagaan akka feetetti yoo xibaartu ‘amala isaaniti itti haa dhiifnuuun’ dhiiga wareegamtootaatin qoosuudha. Yeroo kanatti jara yartuu afaan malee qabaa hin guunne kana dhiisaatii Wayyaaneen humnaan biyya bittuuyyuu Oromoo akka ‘duritti’ itti dubbachuu dhiiftee jirti. Qabsoon Oromoo seenaa keessatti yeroo duraatiif mootummaan biyya san bituu ‘gaafin ummataa sirriidha, nutu balleesse’ jedhee akka waywaatu gochuu kan danda’eedha. Yeroo mootummoon Awuroppaa 28 kan diina nurrtti goobsaa turan kaayoon qabsoo Oromoo sirrii ta’uu ragaa bayan keessatti yartuun nuuf dhiisii ofiifuu faaydaa hin qabne dhugaa keenya waakkachuun, injifannoo wareegamtoota keenyaa xiqqeessiniifi hoggan Oromoo tuffachuuf socho’un abadan hayyamamuu hin qabu.

3) Yeroon kun kan diina lamaan lolanii miti warra jettaniif: Akka yaadaatti sirriidha. Garuu diina muumicha si dura jiru yeroo falmaa jirtutti kan biraa cinaachaan si waraanuu yoo eegale, lakki hamman kan of fuulduraa moo’adhuu ofirraa hin ittisuu jechuun jara lamaan jalatti gombifamuuf nama saaxila. Kan duraa soo addaan waraanaa jirtuu kun cinaachaan seenee cumaa gadi siyaasee jalatti lafaan si dhaya. Kanaafu kan cinaachaan sitti gamus kabalaan ofirraa dhamalaasaa deemuun barbaachisaadha.
4) Tumsa malee hin moohannu warra jettaniif: Dhugaadha tumsa qabaachuun faaydaa qaba. Garuu bu’aafi faaydaa tumsaa walbira qabanii kamtu irra caalaa mirkaneeffachuun barbaachisaadha.Faaydaa tooftaatiif ( tactical) jecha miidhaa tarsiimoo( strategic) baadhachuun siyaasaa kasaaraa taphachuudha. Akkuma beekamu jarri kun qabatamaan humna homaatu lafarraa hin qaban. Osoo qabaatani qaata tarkaanfii xiqqoo fudhatanii akka leencaa bookisan ture. Kanaaf faaydaan isaanirraa argannu kan toftaa, jechuunis kan gara ololaa ( public relation) qofa. Faaydaa san ammoo yeroo nu barbaachisetti akka gaaritti itti fayyadamnee jira. Waan nuti sadarkaa tooftaatti fayyadamne amma isaan sadarkaa tarsiimotti sharafatanii nu kafalchiisuu barbaadan. Kanumaan walqabatee yaanni Oromoon kophaa isaa wayyaanee kuffisuu hin danda’u jedhu yaada laamshayaa dhugarraa fagaateedha.Ummanni keenya harka qullaawuu yeroo gabaabaa keessatti mootummaa san akkamiin akka raasuu danda’u mirkaneeffatee jira. Gaafa qindooomina fooyyeffatee meeshaa gahaa harkatti qabate Oromiyaa guutuu mitii godinni tokkooyyuu Wayyaaneef gahaadha. Sabni tokko mirga ofiin of bulchuu goonfachuudhaaf qabsaa’onni isaa ofiifi saba ofitti amanuu ( self-confidence) akkasumas of dandayuu ( self reliance) uummachuu danda’uu qaban. Kun hafee yeroo hunda ormi harka nu qabu malee, duubaa nu dhiibaa duraa nu masaku malee gaara gabrummaa dandeenyee hin baanuu yaanni jedhu jiraannan akka dhuunfaafi sabaaattis of salphisuudha. Oromoon lakkofsa dila kanaafi teessuma lafaa kennattuu tanaan fayyadamee diina yartuu tana kophaaa isaa kuffisuu yoo dadhabe boru akkamiin danda’ee of bulchuuf deema?

Dhumarratti namoonni tokko tokko dhimma kana miidiyaan jaraa tamsaasa Afaan Oromoo eegaluuf beeksisuu isaatin warri walitti fidanis jiru. Kanarratti waan lama jechun barbaada.Kan duraa Jarri kaleessa Afaan Oromoo balleesuuf dalagaa ture, kan yeroo Afaan Oromoo hiree midiyaalee garagaraa argate hiriira itti bayaa ture har’a afaan kanaan olola isaanii geeggeessuun barbaachisaa ta’uu amanuun isaanii injifannoon gootonni keenya nu dhaalchisaniidha. Afaan Oromoo oftuulummaa isaanii malee raadiyoonii akka hin cabsine ragaa bahuuf dirqamanii jiran. Kan lammataa Afaan Oromootin banuun tarsiimoo OPDO ofii uummachuuf qaban keessaa kan duraa ta’uu yoo beeknes, OMNis ta’ee miidiyaalee Oromoo biroo ni miidha jenne hin amannu. Ololli isaanii kan afaan isaanitinuu Oromo haxxifachiisu, gaafa afaan keenyaan himame akka haqqisiisu waan beeknuuf fudhatamaaf deeggarsa miidiyaaleen Oromoo qaban yoo jabeesse malee hin miidhu. Miidhiyaaleen habashaa kamiyyuu Afaan Oromootin tamnsaasanii miidiyaalee Oromoo waliin dorgomuu akka hin dandeenye ifa. Osoo ta’ee miidiyalee wayyaanee sa’aa 24 Afaan kanaan lallabantu Oromoo hawwatee miidiyaalee keenya gabaadhaa baasa ture. Gara biraatin miidiyaan alagaa Afaan Oromootin eegaluun Oromoof faaydaa qaba afaan kana guddisa jechuunis of sobuudha. Sadarkaa kanatti Afaan Oromoo kan guddisu babal’ina ogbarruuti malee raadiyoonaan oduun ittin dubbifameefi miti. Ololli Wayyaaneen baroota 25 Afaan Oromootin dabarsaa turte ummata nuffisiisee afaan yoo qancarse malee hin guddifne. Afaan Oromoo kan guddise barreesitoota, wallistoota, warra filmii hojjatuufi hayyoota qorannaati.

Waa hundaafuu Wayyaanee ofiifuu gatantaraa jirtu kuffisuuf hawwii qabnuun dogongora tarsiimoo hamaa dhuma 1980mootaa keessa ta’e deebinee raaw’achurraa of haa eegnun jedha. Dantaa saba keenyaa jiddugala godhannee abbaa feene waliin ni hojjanna. Kana jechuun Abbaa fedhes yoo ta’e kaayollee bu’uraa qabsoo Oromoo jechuunis; abbaa biyyummaa, eenyummaafi ofiin of bulchuu kan wakkatu ykn falmu yoo ta’e dura dhaabbachuu qabna. Kan nu waliin hojjachuu barbaadu kamiiyyuu kaayyolee bu’uraa kana mamii malee fudhachuu qaba. Haga san hin fudhannetti ilkaan waliin kolfaa gaafa arraba dheeressan arraaban, gaafa harka laatan dumucaan ofirraa deebisuun dirqama. Kan Oromummaa teenyaan boonuu keenya yakku diina ofirraa dhoowiina, kan Oromiyaan tan Oromoo ta’uun hin fudhatamnee hattudhaa ofirraa haleella, kan ofiin of bulchuun keenya hin liqimfamneef haa hudhamuu itti dhiifna! Oromoon yaanni kun fudhatamuufi didee jara jala shululukuu fedhu karaan duugda handaaqqoo haa ta’uuf jenna. Karaan sun garuu hirema OPDOn amma qabduuyyu akka hin kennineef ammumarraa gorsuu feena.